Reality Check
by MK fanfiction contest
Summary: Participant of the GOA's fanfiction contest. Humor genre. What REALLY happens when a Mary Sue comes to the G.O.A.? A Mary Sue bashing fic.


Reality Check  
  
AKA: The Mary Sue Bashing Fic  
  
  
  
  
It started out as a normal day. Zero Enna and his other classmates had gone through their ritual training and, as usual, he was in high spirits about his accomplishments that day. But he was just as ignorant to the horrors to come as the rest of his classmates.  
  
It started in the mess hall, as many events tended to do in the Megami Kouhosei universe. Zero was sitting at a table with his four teammates, as the plot conveniently demanded it so. To his left was the smart and nerdy Clay Cliff Fortran, complete with his sand-coloured hair and wide-framed glasses attempting to hide caramel-coloured eyes. To his right was the sweet and impossibly cute Roose Sawamura, and by impossibly cute we're talking wide blue-green eyes and an adoring, innocent smile. Across from Roose was the short and ever-competitive Yamagi Kushida, sporting his short violet hair and small barely-distinguishable violet eyes. And, conveniently, next to Yamagi was the silver-haired candidate, Hiead Gner, glaring blood-red eyes and all.  
  
"Excuse me," a sugary voice cut through their talking, causing four of the five to look up. Hiead continued to eat as though he hadn't heard. They, of course, were met with the sight of the most gorgeous girl you could ever see. She had long white hair that could have been spun from silk and sparkling lavender eyes that should have instantly mesmerized any man.  
  
This was not the case with the four staring at her.  
  
"What?" Zero asked calmly.  
  
She frowned faintly. "No. You're doing it all wrong."  
  
The four exchanged confused glances. "Doing what all wrong?" Roose asked in confusion.  
  
The STUNNINGLY beautiful girl sighed. "Don't you know anything? I'm the most beautiful woman you've ever seen. You have to act out-of-character around me. You're supposed to praise me, worship me, ask if there's anything you can do for me." She kept looking at Hiead, as though expecting him to acknowledge her anytime soon, but was repeatedly disappointed.  
  
"Who the fuck are you supposed to be?" Zero demanded, abandoning all politeness. This girl had an attitude and he didn't like it one bit.  
  
She flashed what should have been a dazzling smile (complete with perfect pearly white teeth that were perfectly straight and had probably never known the horror of braces) but the only one even slightly affected was Roose, and he obviously wasn't her initial target. "I'm Mary Sue, codenamed Katherine Allecto. But you can call me Kitty! My last name is the same as Ikhny's so that I have a reason to exist in this universe!" She looked at Hiead again, as though expecting him to acknowledge her now that she'd blatantly stated she and his partner Ikhny Allecto, who she shouldn't have even known, were related, but he simply finished eating, stood, disposed of his tray and left the mess hall without so much as a glance her way.  
  
It seemed the other four had a response, however. Yamagi raised an eyebrow, staring at Kitty as though she were nuts. Zero made a "she's gone over the deep end" motion with his hand. Clay nodded in agreement and Roose simply blinked before he decided finishing his dinner would be a better thing to do at this point rather than get any more involved.  
  
Kitty sighed in annoyance, both hands on her hips as she glared in the direction Hiead had gone. "Why aren't any of you doing this right?" she whined.  
  
"Doing WHAT right?" Yamagi asked in exasperation.  
  
"He left! Hiead Gner just left! He's supposed to look at me, be won over by my beauty, and attempt to act cold but really have a sweet, warm interior!" Kitty continued to complain.  
  
Zero snorted. "Hiead doesn't have a 'sweet, warm interior'. He's a bastard."  
  
She gasped in shock. "How DARE you! Hiead-sama is perfect! Utterly perfect! Just like I'M perfect! I've decided to insert myself in your world to become a pilot candidate. And I'll be rooming with you, the nerd and Hiead," she announced, nodding once to finalize her statement.  
  
Clay adjusted his glasses, looking vaguely annoyed at being called a nerd. "Actually, it's physically impossible for a woman to be a pilot. Women don't have EX, nor are their bodies physically capable of handling an Ingrid. Teela Zain Elmes, pilot of Ernn Laties, is the only exception."  
  
"Is that so?" Kitty sniffed. "Well, then, I now have EX and I can pilot an Ingrid if I want to. I'm perfect."  
  
Zero and Yamagi stared at her in disbelief. This girl was obviously some sort of weirdo. How had she gotten on the G.O.A. anyway?  
  
"I had my own private spaceship take me here," she suddenly said, making them both start. Then she laughed at their expressions. "What? Don't you know? I've decided my EX is telepathy. I now have the ability to read minds."  
  
Yamagi scoffed. "You can't just do that. You're crazy."  
  
"Of COURSE I can," the beautiful, brilliant, sickeningly sweet Mary Sue girl chirped. "I'm perfect."  
  
Yamagi made a face and stood. "This is disgusting. Come on, Roose. I've lost my appetite," he said loudly, grabbing the skinny boy by the arm.  
  
Roose blushed. "Okay, Yamagi-kun."  
  
Kitty stared at Roose in horror. "What are you DOING?!" she shrieked.  
  
The four boys exchanged another confused look. "What?" Roose asked, clinging to Yamagi's arm. This oh-so-perfect girl frightened him.  
  
"You BLUSHED when he touched you," Kitty cried. "Are... No, you can't be... Are you two... GAY?! Together?!"  
  
Roose's blush darkened and Yamagi scowled. "What's wrong with that?" he demanded.  
  
"NO!" Kitty wailed, clutching at her heart. "You can't be! You're not allowed! Roose has to love Wrecka and Yamagi has to love Tukasa! So Clay has to love Saki and Zero has to love Kizna because it's only natural for repairers to love whomever they're with! Everyone has to be straight otherwise my perfect world will crumble to pieces around me!" She sniffed. "Ikhny's the only exception because I hate her and I'm better than her so I get Hiead. And I was MADE for Hiead."  
  
"Okay," Zero said slowly, standing up as well. "You know, I don't think I'm that hungry anymore, either."  
  
"Wait for me," Clay said quickly, hiding somewhat behind Zero. This Kitty girl was damn scary.  
  
ONE HOUR LATER  
  
Zero blinked as the capital letters came out of nowhere. "What the hell was that?" Then he noticed his surroundings; he, Kitty and Clay had somehow ended up in the 87, 88 and 89 sleeping quarters. A fourth bed had somehow appeared on the other side of Hiead's and the red-eyed prodigy didn't look one bit happy.  
  
"I made a scene change," Kitty said happily. "The mess hall bored me."  
  
Zero sweatdropped as Kitty then promptly forgot about him and Clay, taking a seat next to Hiead on his bed and hugging him. Without giving it a second thought, Hiead punched the Mary Sue girl in her Mary Sue face, sending her flying into the nearest wall. A wail emitted from the white-haired beauty's lips and she sat up, clutching her nose, which was most likely broken. "What did you do that for?" she sobbed.  
  
Hiead grunted and proceeded to ignore her, lying down and closing his eyes.  
  
Kitty gave Zero a pitiful look, but instead of feeling pity Zero felt a little nauseas. "Aren't you going to defend me?" she asked in a muffled voice, whimpering in pain as blood trickled between her fingers.  
  
"No," Zero said slowly. "You actually kind of deserved that."  
  
"How can you be so mean?" Kitty screamed as the blood magically stopped flowing and she stood. Her nose was perfectly fine. Everything about her was perfect and pretty again and it was really starting to creep Zero out. "None of you are doing this right! Hiead is supposed to fall for my charming personality and sparkling innocence, first of all! Second, IF he does act mean, you, Zero, are supposed to come to my defense immediately!"  
  
Clay gave her a questioning look. "And... Why is that?"  
  
Kitty's temper flared. "Because I'm the very picture of innocence and hitting an innocent is wrong, even though I'm ten times stronger than Hiead!"  
  
That got Hiead's attention. The boy sat up, glaring ice daggers at the Mary Sue character. "What was that?" he demanded in a soft growl.  
  
Suddenly all smiles and sweetness now that she had caught Hiead's attention, Kitty said, "I'm stronger than you. Ten times stronger. I'm perfect that way. I'm going to be the pilot of the White Goddess probably next week and you and I will have a tearful goodbye and you'll give me a red rose you can't afford, begging me to think of you always..." She sighed and clasped her hands, eyes shimmering and dreamy-like. "It'll be SO romantic."  
  
While she was distracted Hiead grabbed her roughly by the front of the shirt, making her gasp. "No, Hiead!" she whispered. "We don't have sex until the NIGHT before I'm promoted! It's more dramatic that way!"  
  
Snarling, Hiead dragged her out of the room. Zero and Clay exchanged glances before quickly following to see what he would do to the creepy girl.  
  
"Hiead, what are you doing? No, wait... You can't do that! No! I have to live! I can't die, I'm perfect-- AAAAAGGGGHHHH!" The scream ended with a strangled noise and then silence. Zero and Clay both looked a little disturbed and stared at Hiead as he emerged from around the corner.  
  
"What'd you do to her?" Clay whispered, sounding almost hopeful.  
  
Hiead didn't answer, as was expected, and instead stalked right past them and into their room. Zero and Clay simply blinked before Zero shrugged. "Guess we should go to bed, then?"  
  
"Guess so," Clay agreed, following him.  
  
And thus ends the horror for the poor candidates. Why they ever had to meet the terror that was Mary Sue, codenamed Kitty, one may never know. It may be safe to assume a ten-year-old fan of Megami Kouhosei daydreamed about this girl constantly, wishing she were her, and somehow got her character stuck in the REAL MK universe... But that is for another day.  
  
And so we leave you, hoping you are feeling happy about the destruction of one Mary Sue. Because this is, after all, what would most likely happen should one of the foolish girls fall into the Megami Kouhosei universe. 


End file.
